Tears and more tears...

I am literally in tears right now. I am so HURT! I can pretend and try to be defensive but where will that get me. Sorry I don't have a word of encouragement for all of you today but I'm really broken and I'm hoping that blogging my pain will not only enable me to hang on but will encourage someone one day who may be going through the same thing because they will see God's faithfulness in pulling out of this.

So I was in the shower and my father came home. In the past whenever I'm in the bathroom, he would open the door on me and stare at me and then say something like "what are you doing" or just a random question after staring at me covering myself out of shame because of my nakedness. Knowing this horrible habit of his I always lock the door whenever I take a shower now. So I turn off the water and it's still dripping still a little and as I'm drying myself off he comes and tries to open the door as usual to which I replied "I'm in the bathroom" He doesn't responds and goes to his bedroom. Not knowing if it was truly him who came home, I grabbed my cellphone, called my mother and asked her if she was home and she said no so I knew it had to be my dad. I sneak out of the bathroom with my towel on run to my bedroom and quickly clothe myself because I don't have a lock on my door so he can walk in on me any minute. I got dressed, was confused about what my next move should be. Should I go and say hello, he has been scarring me for a couple days now. If I don't say hello I get rebuked harshly and disciplined if I do I'm ignored and hurt. Sighs... with fear I went to go say hello and opened the door and to my surprise he took the chained door lock and locked the door to keep me out. Broken, I said "Hi papi, I was just saying hi" and I pulled the door shut and he once again ignored me. He put the lock on quietly and laid on his back to see me come and greet him and be shocked by what I saw.

All I could do was go to my room and quietly weep like a baby... I'm so broken. I continue to die to myself to serve him because I'm called to honor him and he continues to reward me with scars. This is sooo hard for me. I am soooo hurt. What will I have to offer my husband? I have nothing.... I can't even operate the way I was created to function because of all the damage done by the amount of abuse I received throughout my life.  I'm so hurt, I'm so broken =(