A Crazy Ride

Dropped my laptop on the bare ground in all of my pride last night, but praise the Lord it is still working. In other news Azariah Aideen Samuels is here. Born July 30th in an emergency C Section. Baby is healthy, Marie is fine but in a lot of pain. Please pray for her. I haven't really slept since Sunday...don't think things will change anytime soon. Praying for greater grace :). Wow...I'm a father. Sooo weirrrrddddd!!! The rescue mission begins...May the Lord be merciful to this wretched sinner :)

I'm Amazed at the Lord's ability to take my callousness toward the Church and make me appreciate it beyond measure. He has done this by stripping away members of mines and my wife's real family and allowing the church to take their place. Though this grieves my inner man and requires much wisdom to maneuver through backlash and anger on their part, I am glad that God is sovereign over my sins and ABLE to provide for my wife and I because we are His children. I am also exceedingly amazed that God took this spoiled brat who lived for himself and made him lead, provide for and sacrifice for this lovely lady of mines, and this child. I am not my own nor am I myself these days. Christ literally lives through me. I am simply along for this ride of glory. May God continue to glorify Himself in the shattering of my self. I'm really tired, really stressed, but God is good. In my "apostle Paul" voice, I am the LEAST likely candidate to be a father and husband and those who truly know me can attest to this and give God His due glory.

I must be honest though, since my wife and I started looking at new places to live I've been pretty despondent about life and towards life. In God's sovereignty this has carried over to now and I don't feel much anxiety now that we have moved out of my mom's place and given birth to Aidenn. I thought for sure I would pass out and die when my baby came because it's such a huge change in my life. Everything just feels surreal though, no panic, no anxiety, no psychosis. It's weird though, I don't know how to think of the baby. It's like he's me, but he's not me at all. He came from me, but he is not me. I think it's best described in the analogy of how God created us. We were made in His image, but we are not Him, and He is not us. I want to think that he has the same thoughts as me and the same personality, but he doesn't. He is his own person. When I think like that, I think I begin to think properly though I feel sort of disconnected from him at that point. But I say "properly" because he is not "mines." I am his steward. I am his father but ultimately he belongs to the Lord as do all people who are created by God. Indeed all people are created by God, but not all are His children. Aidenn is my child though, so I will treat him as such and love him as such by the grace God gives me. 

-Tyrell