Yesterday was extremely hard. Due to much chaos in my home, I spent the whole day without eating. What's the big news you ask? Well Over a year in a half ago the Lord placed a wonderful young man in my life who loves the Lord and has the same burdens and passions as I do. We met while I was president of an organization that provided assistance to parents with children who have disabilities. Over time we ended up serving together on a campus ministry and the more we served the Lord together the more we were drawn to one another. I was secretly seeking the Lord about him and he was secretly seeking the Lord about me.
After a couple months of knowing him, struggling to guard my heart, I confronted him about the partiality he showed me compared to my other sisters and demanded he tell me what his intentions were. The next day we talked and he confessed everything to me told me how he had been seeking the Lord for my hand and handed me his journal from way back when we first met and allowed me to read his prayer life and convo with the Lord about me and how much he desires to be with me. This was an exciting time for the both of us. He told me everything with fear not knowing that I too had been praying and seeking the Lord about him. When he found out that I felt the same and read my journal entries we continued to pray and serve together. That was in November 2010, now in May 2011 He officially asked me unto a courtship by giving me a Mineral Pendant Necklace reminding me of the time he went to the beach and brought me back a rock and how every stage of our friendship he gave me a rock so this is the new rock and I should know what the next rock will be ^_^ THE ENGAGEMENT RING!!!! I was sooooooo happy and thankful to the Lord. Although he has not officially proposed yet, he has been working really hard, saving up and wedding planning with me ever since.
We didn't care much for a wedding in the beginning but due to many of our believing friends's joy over our union we begin to entertain the thought. The more we wait around trying to accomplish our will in this friendship by saving up wedding planning, something chaotic happens and we are sure that the Lord is saying it's time! but we're not sure how to go about everything. It looks like we will have to not have a wedding after all. Things are getting worse at home, my father keeps verbally abusing me and threatening me to scare me into doing their will, which requires letting them have full control of where I spend my time, who I talk to and the decisions I have to make in life. Being a man who fears the Lord, Tyrell, the man I am courting, does not want to make any rash decisions and marry now because of everything going on. He instead is taking his time and seeking the Lord before he makes his next move. I on the other hand am questioning my sanity because my parents are telling me that I'm filled with illusions, I'm influenced by demons and need to start thinking straight. I'm also having a hard time being still and waiting for Tyrell to lead and obey the Lord.
My dad did not apologize for all the horrible things he said to me. After all the screaming was over, my mom called me into their bedroom to explain to me how I was wrong in this whole situation. My parents also explained to me that they only hurt me because they want what's best for me ending all their corrections and accusations with an invitation to lay in bed with them last night to forget everything that happened. I WAS UTTERLY DISTURBED BY THAT REQUEST! Are you kidding me??? What 22 year sleeps in bed with her parents to forget everything that "happened". On top of it, the fact that it was my dad requesting this UTTERLY DISTURBED ME! By God's grace, I kept my voice down and explained to my father that I heard him, I forgive him but will not lay in bed with them. He was offended and begin to intimidate me by looking at me with angry eyes and said "Forgive me, I didn't ask to be forgiven, I didn't do anything wrong" and I said "that very reason is why I will not lay on this bed, until you take responsibility for your cruel actions I will not have an intimate relationship with you" Throughout my life, my father has offered me false hope and repeated his cruel behavior. That has been the cycle for years and I have carried the blame for everything for years. Everything was always my fault. I always taught they were justified in all that they did to me because I was bad and never did things right. The more I dive in God's word though, I am realizing that yes I may have fallen short in the past and I will continue to fall short but they too are responsible for their own actions.
I slept in my room last night against their will and I shared what happened with others against their will. They are upset and claim that my bible says to honor my parents and I don't but honor your parents does not mean to do everything they tell you to do. With all respect sleeping with my dad and mother at 22 is very uncomfortable especially if I don't trust them. Less than 3 hours ago he was screaming at me, getting in my face, challenging me and now because of they hurt me and grind me because they want what's best for me and no repentance, I should feel safe because they are good people and would never hurt me, really? why am I filled with scars then. I fell short yesterday in that I raised my voice and expressed my hurts to my parents but sadly all they could think about was me dishonoring by contradicting them, telling them how they've scarred me, putting things that they don't talk about in the light and screaming. They still think I'm crazy, they still feel justified and do not believe that I worship Jesus Christ. They believe they are Christians and I'm influenced by demons. Yep, that was my yesterday... Hopefully I'll get to eat today.
Pray for me Fam
No comments:
Post a Comment