I grew up in a Roman Catholic home where I learned the importance of penance and purity. If you grew up in a Roman Catholic home you know the importance of remaining a virgin until marriage. It was lifted up very highly. As a child I was exposed to many sexual activities but I always told myself I would save myself for my husband. I looked down on girls who engaged in sexual intimacy with their boyfriends. I even stopped talking to one of my best friends in high school because she lost her virginity and we were both Catholics. It's really silly because before then we were both doing ungodly things to indulge in our sinful sexual desires and since we weren't going around having sex we felt we were more righteous than others. I had so much pride in my virginity. It was my glory, my everything, my worth was in my virginity. It was the only thing I had that was my own. God's Standards are way higher than that though. Matthew 5:8 says "But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart." I was not pure, I was already stained yet I persecuted others.
Finally in 2007, a man who ministers to the youth saw my myspace and was concerned for it was designed with death everywhere. We got in contact and he would allow me to attack his faith as he pointed out different things wrong with the Roman Catholic Religion. Eventually after months of wrestling and attacking his faith, I was hit with the reality that Jesus Christ died on the cross for my sins. Although I had heard this all my life, I never understood it to that extent. That very night, I prayed that Christ would redeem me, forgive me of my sins and enable me to have a personal relationship with him and thus began my journey. I look at the things that have taken place since I've begun my intimate relationship with the Lord and I am humbled to the core. I am amazed at my depravity and even my amazement right now shows my lack of humility for I am thinking of myself higher than I ought.
After Salvation, things got extremely hectic at home. Not only did I lose friends but my family members were turning against me. My dad in particular was very furious about my conversion. He had always been a very violent man growing up and after my conversion, he treathned me, cursed my future offsprings and constantly called me names like lazy, prostitute and so on. While all of this was happening, I had one person to run to apart from the Lord, yep! the same man who shared with me. I would call him up and tell him everything that's going on. I knew nothing about him yet trusted him because he introduced me to the doctrine that I now hold dear. Sadly he was a pedophile who had a horrible past and I just happen to be next on the list. Blind and gullible I ran to him whenever I was fearful or in pain. Eventually I became attached to him and he continued to advance his plans. He told me his age which was 30 at the time and I 18 but I didn't care at this point. He told me that God told him that I was his wife. He talked of his ability to see angels and his desire to be with me. One more thing, He was married and his wife was pregnant but had ran away from home. He claimed that she ran away because she thought she had the promised child Arianna in her stomach. He says that God revealed to him who his wife would be and nicknamed her Sapphire, he also said that God showed him that he would have a daughter by her called Arianna. He used God's word to explain to me that our "love" was good in God's eyes and that he was no longer bound because she ran away and a wife is not to run away from her husband.
December came around and he called my cell crying on the phone about being alone and having no one. He pointed out that although my family was mistreating me they were still around but he had no one. I felt sad and wanted to prove that I cared so I planned to visit him when school began since I would be on campus and my parents would have no clue. He paid for my bus fare and I headed to see him. The ride was long and I was all alone. It was pretty scary because I've never really roamed the streets alone because of my parent's strict rules but I was traveling to a different state far away to visit this "friend" of mine. I made it there the next day and there he stood smiling and expecting me. I remember him saying "Wow I can't believe you actually came" Making me feel special for doing such a wonderful thing for him. He had a small apartment. I came in the house and he had prepared a love hunt for me. I would go around the house and find different things that he prepared and left behind to display his love. Things like notes, chocolate and etc... I was pretty flattered. Having been on the bus for hours I went to the bathroom, took a shower and as I always did in the past, made sure I looked beautiful so that he would desire me when I came out. In my youthful years, I loved drawing men with my frame and beauty. If men didn't give me attention I felt worthless. I loved their worship but never gave them the desires of their hearts which on my occasions was sex. I didn't want the worship to stop. I came out and praises flowed from his lips and there it was, we kissed. As I noticed his passion, I made it clear to him that I wanted to wait until marriage to lose my virginity. He agreed and continued, praised me, told me how beautiful I was and desiring more of his touch I compromised. I told him we can do other things but not sex. He was happy and continued, I justified myself saying "oh I'm not having sex, so this is ok" Before you know it he was getting a little more aggressive and reminded him to keep his promise but he didn't. I started crying because I felt like my treasure, my self-worth was stolen from me. He then seeing my tears tried to persuade me that I was still a virgin and that he didn't go all the way whatever that may mean but I knew that what was done was done. I went to the bathroom, he followed me and said that it was because he loved me so much that he did it. He said I was so beautiful and his passion for me were too strong and that he could not practice self control. Hearing his plea, I took responsibility for everything that happened and forgave him because I knew I wasn't dressed appropriately, I compromised and allowed him to get to close so yes it is my fault.
I left and again things got extremely hectic at home and since we remained friends and would talk every night. I told him everything that took place and he concluded that I wasn't safe there. He said that if I remained there, I would fall away from the faith. He promised to protect me, take me to church and much more. And what do you think I did? Yep! I packed my bags, dropped out of school and left for good, leaving a letter for my family. I fled to a totally different state, moved in with him and would not talk to anyone. When I got there some rules were laid down. He started to really show himself. He was a very jealous man. He sometimes would drink and tell me to drink with him. I was not allowed to go outside and I had to give him a report of all I did all day and whom I talked to throughout the day on the phone. I freely gave myself to him by this time and at times I would hide my pain so that he would be happy because if I complained he would compare me with his ex-wife and say "oh you're acting just like her, she always complained etc..." I wanted him to be pleased and I didn't want to be like everyone before me. Time went by and he kept none of his promises. He never took me to church and sometimes would go out and leave me in the house alone. He even went on shows for a day or two and then come back. I thought he had my best interest at heart but his jealous and controlling ways were a bit too much to handle.
I served him to the best of my abilities until one day broken in prayer I asked God what His will was for me. Through my daily bible studies, I fell upon 1 Thessalonians 4:3-8 “For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you should abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you should know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in passion of lust, like the Gentiles who do not know God; that no one should take advantage of and defraud his brother in this matter, because the Lord is the avenger of all such, as we also forewarned you and testified. For God did not call us to uncleanness, but in holiness. Therefore he who rejects this does not reject man, but God, who has also given us His Holy Spirit.” I was so thankful and surprised that this was even in the bible! I knew I had to leave but how?
Though I was fearful that my family would reject me and even though this would make him upset, the Lord enabled me to speak to him and share what I felt the Lord was telling me in His word. I told him that I felt the Lord was telling me to go back to my parents's house and to my surprise he accepted! Even though I had already read the verse and I knew God's will I still desired sexual intimacy and we did so until I left still believing that I was the promised Sapphire that the Lord had promised him. When I got home, he was still very controlling and harrassed me from afar. I expressed to him my desire to go to church and he suggested I take a look at a movement called Calvary chapel lead by Chuck Smith. Still foolishly trusting him, I went to visit this church and pretty much continued to fellowship there. A couple months went by and I couldn't handle his jealous spirit anymore, I grabbed some of my older sisters in the faith who were in leadership and confessed everything to them. I was in a mess, he wouldn't stop controlling me and I wanted to fellowship with Christ but I felt like he was in the way. I struggled with idolatry and when I didn't place him above God he didn't like that very much. In tears, I asked them to help me because I wanted to be free. I wanted to be able to worship the Lord without someone else in between making me feel like I’m incapable of hearing from the Lord. They made my pastor aware and there began another long journey where the guy was pretty much stalking and harassing me. I later changed my number and closed some of my email accounts. Now to point back to a truth that the Lord allowed me to remember. In high school, one of my classsmates ran away with a man she met online and I remember being confused and looking down on her thinking first of all he is old eww and you don't even know him that's stupid! and yet that was my life.
As I grew in the Lord and made soem friends in the body, I began to discover who he really was and the Godly perspective on what had taken place. I had always taken responsibility for everything that had happened and lived in condemnation thinking "I seduced him, he was to weak, he was a victim, he didn't mean to do it. It's my fault." oh and the guilt that came from actually enjoying that which was forbidden was sometimes hard to swallow. I learned that I was not the first victim and I cannot take responsibility for Everything that happened.
Years later, I met my future husband and best friend Tyrell L. Samuels and the Lord really used him to bring some things to the surface that I may truly begin to heal from what had happened. I learned that yes, I sinned against the Lord but there is really no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus and that the man that had brought me to the faith was responsible for his own sins and it was not for me to carry that on my back. He was older in the faith, he ministers to the youth, he knew better and yet he invited me to his home and violated me. The reality that I wasn't the first victim really helped me understand in see things for what they truly are. After realizing all of this in 2011, I had a desire to warn others because I know the truth and yet I remained silent for so long because my church had advised me to close the book and just get rid of everything he ever gave me.
By God's grace last month the Lord allowed us to find a 19 year old beautiful young lady who was in a relationship with him. How? It's amazing how the Lord made it happen. We were able to discern from his interactions with her on twitter that something was up and seeing that she was young we just felt in our heart that she was a target. My wonderful best friend and future husband got in contact with the man to ask him a couple questions and offer him a chance to repent but he instead block Tyrell to avoid exposure. We were left with only one thing to do. Trusting the Lord we found the girl on facebook and asked her if she was willing to talk. We set a meeting on skype and there the Lord allowed us to minister to her and warn her about the danger she was in. Through talking to her we found out that she lives all the way in Australia, used about $3,000 to go visit him and had already engaged in sexual intimacy with him. They were also getting ready to be married and a lot of her things are actually in the US with him. He used the same tactics to draw her from God told me you're my wife to the promised child Arianna. It was heart-breaking hearing her in tears but we could do nothing but praise God that we could even talk to her! The man whom I was involved with found out and was extremely upset that we got in contact with her but by God's grace she continued to contact us and update us on their relationship. Through much prayer, the Lord gave her the boldness and courage she needed to break up with him.
I am so thankful to the Lord for what He has done. Do continue to pray for her, she's a young believer and most of her stuff are still in the US. About the guy, he is a Christian Rapper and ministers to the youth. He has managed to hide his true identity until this day and most people don't know that leads a double life and that he continues to enter in these ungodly relationships with younger girls and engages in sexual sin with them. I am so glad that the Lord saw it fit to save me and I pray for more opportunities to warn whomever may come after my sister in Australia. I pray that he would repent and turn from his way and if he doesn't that the Lord would expose him for God's name sake.
So Fam what must we gain from all of this? God is holy, we are totally depraved and must always consider ourselves lest we fall. We ought not to think of ourselves higher than we ought. Do not be deceived by looking on the outward appearance of things, examine all things in light of Scripture! And Remember Jesus Saves! He works in us both to will and to do for His good pleasure. He still does miracles today, He is still healing today! He enabled me to repent and turn form my sins and protected me from harm. Looking at where I was and how He has moved, I can't help but give Him all the Praise and glory He so deserves! God is extremly good and Gracious. Blessed be the name of the Lord!
Matthew 7:15
Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves.
2 Timothy 3:1-9
You should know this, Timothy, that in the last days there will be very difficult times. For people will love only themselves and their money. They will be boastful and proud, scoffing at God, disobedient to their parents, and ungrateful. They will consider nothing sacred.They will be unloving and unforgiving; they will slander others and have no self-control. They will be cruel and hate what is good. They will betray their friends, be reckless, be puffed up with pride, and love pleasure rather than God. They will act religious, but they will reject the power that could make them godly. Stay away from people like that! They are the kind who work their way into people’s homes and win the confidence ofa vulnerable women who are burdened with the guilt of sin and controlled by various desires. (Such women are forever following new teachings, but they are never able to understand the truth.) These teachers oppose the truth just as Jannes and Jambres opposed Moses. They have depraved minds and a counterfeit faith. But they won’t get away with this for long. Someday everyone will recognize what fools they are, just as with Jannes and Jambres
